Our five-year-old was developing a bad relationship with her iPad. Was it a phase? Because of her injury? Either way, when school started, it was time for a reboot.
Very interesting read! I might suggest doing a bit of research on “task switching” - I think it’s something all brains can struggle with, whether neurodivergent or not, and the strategies/understanding of what’s happening in the mind in those moments can be very helpful.
I have real issues with apps controlling screen time. I have tried many times, and failed, at finding a good way for them to work with my children, and all it did was point out the utter futility in them.
Not only do they add many more notifications to my phone which is already bursting with them (multiply by the number of children - I have 3), but my children can always find a way around them. I tried this the most with my son. I set timers to obey allow up to 30 minutes on the YouTube app, for instance, yet he discovered from his friends that if you send yourself links to videos via WhatsApp he can watch them far longer there instead. Or if you block YouTube, you can go on a Chromebook as a guest user instead and not fall under the Google family app.
All in all, I've decided that this just ends up using technology to solve a problem that should be solved with communication instead, and building up trust with my children. There are still arguments and frustration, but I'd rather talk to my children and find out directly from them what they are doing than rely on an app that doesn't tell me the full story.
Indeed communication and thrust are key... also lessons learned :D
Tech should be used only to enhance\help with checks, we should not rely on it.
I for one, never used locks and phone limits, just phone alarms and communication. Easier for me atm, as I have only Junior, but I guess in about 2 years time my daughter will start requesting her time too xD
We recently switched from screen time limits to “screen time allowed” time blocks. With 4 kids and multiple platforms (iPads, PCs, consoles), technology solutions were too leaky, especially for things like YouTube that you can access from multiple places.
So now we’re just saying “you can use devices between time X and time Y”. It’s been a big upgrade so far. An additional benefit: everyone is off devices at the same time, so there’s no “huddle around one kid’s screen”, and they also find more stuff to do together.
I always had better long-term success when the onus was on my kids to police themselves. Stuff like screens are only in open areas (not their bedroom) and usable during certain hours. At first my wife and I would monitor and help them to follow these rules. But eventually I made it their responsibility to adhere. And slowly we worked toward a zero tolerance policy - get caught using a screen outside of the approved time and you lose the screen for a period of time.
This had the benefit not needing to rely on tech solutions (and as my kids are 15/20 now, family sharing and monitoring was even worse when they were younger). And more importantly, it taught them about self control and consequences.
Of course, all of this is dependent on age and temperament. The adage "no plan survives first contact with the enemy" is so applicable to parenting (not in a confrontational sense, but you need to be prepared for unexpected reactions from your kids - positive and negative).
We've just started introducing our 6 year old to Minecraft, and the thing that sealed the deal for me on Playstation of all things was the robustness of the Parental features - you can extend time in 15 minute blocks even BEFORE the time actually runs out.
There's even a dedicated Family App that allows for you to manage approvals and see activities.
It's not perfect (as the Marketplace and videos can't be gated off), but a definite improvement over Apple's current implementation.
If you haven’t, I highly recommend checking out The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. Really excellent look into how screens and the loss of physical play has effected children (and as they age to teenagers). He’s been leading the national effort to get cellphones out of school. Any way good read and very pertinent to a lot of the issues you’re dealing with.
It's so interesting reading about other parents' approaches. We're blessed with living on a horse farm with plenty of space and people to spend your time with as a child. But screen time is a struggle nonetheless.
We'll leave the eldest (9) alone with her tablet a little longer sometimes (an hour), no questions asked. What worries me is how the boys (6, 3) are reacting to a no when asking about "one more episode". It's way heftier then I imagined.
We explain, we argue, but we're all left with a feeling of "this isn't okay" afterwards. They usually get to watch once a day for half an hour each after kindergarten but of course the one stays for the other's episode, so that's an hour each already. So much for screen time limits... But I generally like the idea of being there with them so that you have a little bit of a handle on what and how much they're watching.
I really appreciate all the clues from all the other parents on here. Thank you for creating all this, Patrick!
Your shift in routines sounds awesome. Looking forward to hearing how it goes. My "kids" are 23/21, so our rules are way more relaxed nowadays; however, the "no phones at the dinner table" continues. (Side note: Their high school used the Yonder pouches. Very thankful for that, ha!)
I appreciate this and am in a similar place this autumn! We've wanted to research some better options and these all sound good (I'm including yours, Mike B!). I echo the theory that Apple employees must not use these controls because they are indeed so bad.
We already have the morning schedule down, basically where you ended up, and for similar reasons. I'll have to set the devices to work the way you describe in the afternoon, because that seems reasonable. If an hour is all they want and they don't want to do any chores, I'm okay with that as long as they are doing something else to play. 😂
Thanks for sharing your way of dealing with screens. It's a constant battle of our age, but we have to do it. :)
I kind of do similar habits, but prefer letting Junior (now 10yo) watch TV or watch/play at the PC, as I find it easier to check what he's watching and, it's less stressful on the eyes (as per doc advise).
Time wise, 1h per day while school is ongoing, 2h on the weekends, with a more giving hand in vacations. Same Rules apply... not in the morning, responsibilities done, etc.
But what I never used are phone limits and locks. Going for phone alarms and verbal requests, which I think is working awesomely.
Without phone locks, we caught him a few times stealing time and... as we discussed in advance, these would come with severe consequences, weeks of dry time and after about 3 times he learnt the lesson :)
Now... the real question is... how much time do you manage give, to watch or play something together (on said devices, outside normal play). I saw that they learn a lot when co-oping a game or even watch a youtube video of my choice. ;)
Re: an Apple Watch, we’ve faced similar requests from our 10yo. It’s more FOMO than her actually having a use for it. We aren’t up for the price, and most parents in the friend circle agree not to get devices for the age cohort.
She did request to access her school Google account to write a story with her friend. We agreed to a test using my laptop (with parents around). She could do so, but no going elsewhere on the internet. In less than a day we caught her opening tabs to go search for games. So we established to her that she wasn’t ready for an independent device if we can’t trust her even when we are around!
It's a relief to know other parents are experiencing similar challenges - my eldest (6) is glued to his Kindle (Minecraft in particular) and it's been difficult to manage. We've stopped screentime during school mornings, but when he returns from school, he's allowed his device while my wife and I are working (we both work remotely from home 90% of the time) and stops when his younger brother (3) is back from my in-laws/nursery. Your method of not sending devices with them when they're staying with their grandma is intriguing - I'd love to try this, but fear my in-laws would struggle to keep them both fully occupied all the time. What is interesting is watching them play and seeing their interactions flourish when their NOT on their devices/watching TV - they have so much fun.
Very interesting read! I might suggest doing a bit of research on “task switching” - I think it’s something all brains can struggle with, whether neurodivergent or not, and the strategies/understanding of what’s happening in the mind in those moments can be very helpful.
I have real issues with apps controlling screen time. I have tried many times, and failed, at finding a good way for them to work with my children, and all it did was point out the utter futility in them.
Not only do they add many more notifications to my phone which is already bursting with them (multiply by the number of children - I have 3), but my children can always find a way around them. I tried this the most with my son. I set timers to obey allow up to 30 minutes on the YouTube app, for instance, yet he discovered from his friends that if you send yourself links to videos via WhatsApp he can watch them far longer there instead. Or if you block YouTube, you can go on a Chromebook as a guest user instead and not fall under the Google family app.
All in all, I've decided that this just ends up using technology to solve a problem that should be solved with communication instead, and building up trust with my children. There are still arguments and frustration, but I'd rather talk to my children and find out directly from them what they are doing than rely on an app that doesn't tell me the full story.
Indeed communication and thrust are key... also lessons learned :D
Tech should be used only to enhance\help with checks, we should not rely on it.
I for one, never used locks and phone limits, just phone alarms and communication. Easier for me atm, as I have only Junior, but I guess in about 2 years time my daughter will start requesting her time too xD
GL ahead!
We recently switched from screen time limits to “screen time allowed” time blocks. With 4 kids and multiple platforms (iPads, PCs, consoles), technology solutions were too leaky, especially for things like YouTube that you can access from multiple places.
So now we’re just saying “you can use devices between time X and time Y”. It’s been a big upgrade so far. An additional benefit: everyone is off devices at the same time, so there’s no “huddle around one kid’s screen”, and they also find more stuff to do together.
I always had better long-term success when the onus was on my kids to police themselves. Stuff like screens are only in open areas (not their bedroom) and usable during certain hours. At first my wife and I would monitor and help them to follow these rules. But eventually I made it their responsibility to adhere. And slowly we worked toward a zero tolerance policy - get caught using a screen outside of the approved time and you lose the screen for a period of time.
This had the benefit not needing to rely on tech solutions (and as my kids are 15/20 now, family sharing and monitoring was even worse when they were younger). And more importantly, it taught them about self control and consequences.
Of course, all of this is dependent on age and temperament. The adage "no plan survives first contact with the enemy" is so applicable to parenting (not in a confrontational sense, but you need to be prepared for unexpected reactions from your kids - positive and negative).
What a relatable article.
We've just started introducing our 6 year old to Minecraft, and the thing that sealed the deal for me on Playstation of all things was the robustness of the Parental features - you can extend time in 15 minute blocks even BEFORE the time actually runs out.
There's even a dedicated Family App that allows for you to manage approvals and see activities.
It's not perfect (as the Marketplace and videos can't be gated off), but a definite improvement over Apple's current implementation.
If you haven’t, I highly recommend checking out The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. Really excellent look into how screens and the loss of physical play has effected children (and as they age to teenagers). He’s been leading the national effort to get cellphones out of school. Any way good read and very pertinent to a lot of the issues you’re dealing with.
I have...issues with that book and its general thesis. But haven't had time to get into them here.
It's so interesting reading about other parents' approaches. We're blessed with living on a horse farm with plenty of space and people to spend your time with as a child. But screen time is a struggle nonetheless.
We'll leave the eldest (9) alone with her tablet a little longer sometimes (an hour), no questions asked. What worries me is how the boys (6, 3) are reacting to a no when asking about "one more episode". It's way heftier then I imagined.
We explain, we argue, but we're all left with a feeling of "this isn't okay" afterwards. They usually get to watch once a day for half an hour each after kindergarten but of course the one stays for the other's episode, so that's an hour each already. So much for screen time limits... But I generally like the idea of being there with them so that you have a little bit of a handle on what and how much they're watching.
I really appreciate all the clues from all the other parents on here. Thank you for creating all this, Patrick!
Your shift in routines sounds awesome. Looking forward to hearing how it goes. My "kids" are 23/21, so our rules are way more relaxed nowadays; however, the "no phones at the dinner table" continues. (Side note: Their high school used the Yonder pouches. Very thankful for that, ha!)
I appreciate this and am in a similar place this autumn! We've wanted to research some better options and these all sound good (I'm including yours, Mike B!). I echo the theory that Apple employees must not use these controls because they are indeed so bad.
We already have the morning schedule down, basically where you ended up, and for similar reasons. I'll have to set the devices to work the way you describe in the afternoon, because that seems reasonable. If an hour is all they want and they don't want to do any chores, I'm okay with that as long as they are doing something else to play. 😂
Thanks for sharing your way of dealing with screens. It's a constant battle of our age, but we have to do it. :)
I kind of do similar habits, but prefer letting Junior (now 10yo) watch TV or watch/play at the PC, as I find it easier to check what he's watching and, it's less stressful on the eyes (as per doc advise).
Time wise, 1h per day while school is ongoing, 2h on the weekends, with a more giving hand in vacations. Same Rules apply... not in the morning, responsibilities done, etc.
But what I never used are phone limits and locks. Going for phone alarms and verbal requests, which I think is working awesomely.
Without phone locks, we caught him a few times stealing time and... as we discussed in advance, these would come with severe consequences, weeks of dry time and after about 3 times he learnt the lesson :)
Now... the real question is... how much time do you manage give, to watch or play something together (on said devices, outside normal play). I saw that they learn a lot when co-oping a game or even watch a youtube video of my choice. ;)
Keep up the awesome father work!
Re: an Apple Watch, we’ve faced similar requests from our 10yo. It’s more FOMO than her actually having a use for it. We aren’t up for the price, and most parents in the friend circle agree not to get devices for the age cohort.
She did request to access her school Google account to write a story with her friend. We agreed to a test using my laptop (with parents around). She could do so, but no going elsewhere on the internet. In less than a day we caught her opening tabs to go search for games. So we established to her that she wasn’t ready for an independent device if we can’t trust her even when we are around!
It's a relief to know other parents are experiencing similar challenges - my eldest (6) is glued to his Kindle (Minecraft in particular) and it's been difficult to manage. We've stopped screentime during school mornings, but when he returns from school, he's allowed his device while my wife and I are working (we both work remotely from home 90% of the time) and stops when his younger brother (3) is back from my in-laws/nursery. Your method of not sending devices with them when they're staying with their grandma is intriguing - I'd love to try this, but fear my in-laws would struggle to keep them both fully occupied all the time. What is interesting is watching them play and seeing their interactions flourish when their NOT on their devices/watching TV - they have so much fun.