My parents were fundamental Christians about some things but not other things so I had a rather strange childhood. However, I was discouraged from playing video games merely because "it's for boys." My husband is the one who encouraged me to try (and maybe he regrets that a little as I have "borrowed" his handhelds for my use). I really appreciate your ruminations on time and the passage of time. I'll be keeping that close to my heart whenever I am discouraged that I failed to do a daily task. So glad I never had a Binder, though. Woof. My condolences.
Oh that is fascinating! Definitely a whole separate angle I never had to suffer through. In my experience, the nastiness of fundamentalism was far, far more restrictive for young women, though I would say that purity culture specifically was nasty for boys as well.
It makes me so happy to think of grown-up-you stealing your husbands handhelds. There is something wonderfully redemptive about that.
Have you found any games that the two of you can play together? My wife and I played "It Takes Two" but still haven't found anything that clicks over the long haul.
We have tried to play together, but I unfortunately get motion sick with certain types of games (shooters are straight out, for example) and we both are the "explore everything before proceeding to the main objective" types, which can lead to friction if we're in different areas. Honestly, I'm happy to watch him play most things (which is how I started playing to begin with, because I was tired of how long it took for him to get into Kingdoms of Amalur and I wanted to know how the story progressed). I do recommend puzzle games or adventure games to play with someone, even though only one person is at the controls, because it's easier to keep track of the clues and potential solutions. We played (but never finished) Fez that way and it was fun. We did finish Book of Unwritten Tales that way also. Most of the co-op we do nowadays is with our kids (and that has its own challenges!).
My parents had stricter rules surrounding video games than my friends' parents (although not quite as strict as The Binder). They stemmed from a similar assumption that video games are a waste of time, which of course they can be. Video games are at their best when they let you connect to others, in my opinion. Looking back, I don't specifically remember the solitary hours grinding the same level for XP.
However, I can never forget the hours spent playing Halo: Reach split-screen with my brothers, laughing and arguing. Ironically, I think one of The Binder's oversights was counting time spent watching your sibling play. I fondly remember being a young kid and watching my older sister play Legend of Zelda on the Game Cube because I was too young to figure out the puzzles for myself.
These days, I tend not to play video games very often because I would rather use my time to read a book. However, every so often I remind myself of the connective magic of video games and I will load into Fortnite to play with my girlfriend and her sisters, and I always have a grand time.
As a former evangelical kid, I feel some of this but feel like I was pretty lucky overall, until I got older, and my dad would throw the "put away childish things" verse in my face as if I should leave videogames behind.
But I digress. My dad actually bought us an Atari 2600, and somehow got a Commodore 64 from a coworker that he brought home one day. They also got us an NES at some point (probably for Xmas one year). But neither of my parents were gamers, nor did they understand the appeal. I've continued to play games my entire life. I'll be 51 later this year. I'm married with two kids (two boys, 16 and almost 13), who are both avid gamers too. We do struggle with screen time and how to manage it. I often have to realize that while I may feel out of touch in some areas, the reality is how kids communicate and hangout is simply different now. Yes I would love for my kids to go out more and socialize. But if they're playing Minecraft while Facetime-ing with cousins, or Helldivers 2 with friends from school and chatting over Discord, how is that any different from me going to a friends house when I was 12 and playing their Sega Genesis (I never had Sega consoles)?
My challenge now with a teenager who's driving and a (soon to be) new teen is figuring out what games are age appropriate (which my parents never had to deal with! LOL). I've tried to find a balance of what I think they can handle if they really want to try versus something that I think is just too mature for them. Same with TV and movies (like I've shown my oldest Fallout and The Last of Us, but not The Boys or Deadpool). With my oldest I generally will let him try if its something I've played (and talk to my wife about it of course), or if it's something his friends play as a group. While I've said "No" to GTA V, GTA VI is obviously on his radar, and he'll be 17 by then. And my youngest is wanting to play Elden Ring. But he's often disturbed by even mildly scary content. And while most of Elden Ring is fine, there are some pretty weird/strange/gruesome cutscenes (most of which he's seen when my oldest played it, and he's been left scared).
I'm so glad I didn't let my dad discourage me from playing games, and that my kids have picked up the hobby. It's truly a joy to introduce them to new games and talk with them about them. And they're sometimes well ahead of me in some games. My oldest has nearly platinumed Night Reign, and my youngest just beat Donkey Kong Bananza. So they clearly have no shortage of screen time. :)
Oh, I should add that my parents started to suddenly crack down on TV/movie stuff when I was around 13 and we started attending a non-denominational evangelical church (part of the Vineyard group of churches). The pastor at one point said Christians shouldn't watch R rated movies, so we were immediately cut off. We went from being allowed to go to Erols (remember them?) and run straight to the horror section (my parents didn't bat an eye) to being forbidden to see Terminator 2 when it came out (by then I was a sophomore/junior in HS). Those were dark times. LOL
Oh my God, I get this! My parents were also really, really big on screen time restrictions. I don't know how or when, but my Dad heard about this Australian dentist who banned all screen time for his kids, and how much he believed their brains would flourish for it, and he took it deeply to heart. This coupled with the conservative Christian axe to grind against any kind of violence in media meant that video games were always on thin ice. Never banned, but they tried a variety of different approaches over my childhood to find the sweet spot between quieting my and my brother's demands, and satisfying the inner voices that said if we were playing video games, or brains and possibly souls were in danger
Fascinating! I'd be curious to hear how the rules changed / what those rules were exactly.
I remember my dad testing out Age of Empires II to make sure it was age appropriate. I was so anxious about every aspect I thought he might find objectionable: the blood splatters, sure, but mostly I was worried he would find the "conversion" mechanic and the tiny priests suspect.
Part of the "Christian axe to grind" you mentioned seems to crossover with the Satanic Panic / D&D anxiety. Around 2018, I taught English at a very conservative christian school. A kid approached me with the idea of starting a D&D club. I took the request to the dean and he flat out told me that "D&D is dangerous because it involves creativity. And creativity is inherently dangerous."
That was all I needed to hear to know that he and I were on very, very different sides of an ideological divide.
Video games can also be creative. And they provide a communal bonding place that many of the parents in question do not understand. Fear of the unknown perhaps? Who can say...
I'm going to make a valiant attempt at keeping this short, but hoo boy... It started basic. X minutes of video games a day. Then to incentivise spending time outdoors, my brother and I were told that we had to spend an equal or greater amount of time outdoors first before games. After that, my dad moved to a new model (He was incapable of not tweaking the system.) where we could earn video game time by doing chores. That worked too well. The house was SPOTLESS and we were getting too much game time suddenly. So the awarded values were lowered to an level my dad found acceptable but we did not. What ultimately broke that system was my brother patiently banking up 36 hours total of game time that he then tried to use at once, which sent my parents into full fight-or-flight mode and prompted them to can the whole systemic, new one tbd. Shockingly it went back to X number of minutes per day, school and chores done first, etc. Then finally I was given sweet freedom and my parents decided I was close enough to adulthood now that I could manage my own time. Then my brother, who had no job but was deeply envious of my freedom, nagged my mom until she caved, to my dad's great displeasure.
The satanic panic played some part in this. My mom got the wind up about Sonic (my favorite games) because of the chaos emeralds, and Zelda because Epona had the name of a Celtic goddess. But it was a more mundane fear of me being "desensitized to violence" that really set the tone. They also read a book that detailed all the spiritual evils of pokemon, which lead to that series being banned as well. I'm grateful that they at least never made that bonkers association that it was the creativity that was the problem. That sounds like a level of insanity I'm glad I missed. (Also, I was absolutely playing violent games at friends' houses, although at least not to that same degree of intensity.)
Oh my God! Haha! I forgot about the Sonic chaos emeralds! I was one of the poor saps who missed out on Pokemon. Runescape was always "suspect" but it slipped by the censor for some reason.
Your dad changing the rules is very human. Now that you are older, how do you feel about it? Is there lingering frustration? Resentment? Is it mainly funny or still sad/frustrating?
Honestly, I mind the changing rules a lot less than the reasons why they were changed. The increasingly staunch insistence that time spent playing video games could not possibly be healthy, even though the most successful system saw chores getting done regularly and willingly. A subject that would get EXTREMELY contentious in my later childhood. It's still really frustrating when I spend time thinking about it. On the bright side, it's given me a lot of food for thought on how I want to handle screen time with my daughter when she's old enough to play games herself.
That was so beautifully written. My heart breaks for little George though, remembering my own childhood and the desire to play that I somehow self-moderated because my parents never put restrictions on how much my brother and I could game. Balance is so important.
Thank you for saying so Katya! I've learned that in adulthood all we can do is be thankful for what we received and try to find what we didn't elsewhere. Sometimes it comes from people like you saying things like "my heart breaks for little George." :)
And TOTALLY agree about the balance! Still struggling through that on my own and with my own children. So much of it is colored by what I see as "good" and "bad" tech. iPad's are < screens with physical controllers and things of the like. Sometimes it feels hopeless, but Patrick's blog has honestly been really helpful. Good to see none of us "have it figured out."
I feel the same—reading Crossplay helped me feel less worried about the time when my daughter is old enough for screens. I still have no idea how we're going to deal with it but it's so nice to hear the perspective of other parents who are also just trying their best!
Thank you for the lovely reminder about being grateful for what we received and finding what we didn't somewhere else. One day I hope my child(ren) will extend me the same grace.
My parents were fundamental Christians about some things but not other things so I had a rather strange childhood. However, I was discouraged from playing video games merely because "it's for boys." My husband is the one who encouraged me to try (and maybe he regrets that a little as I have "borrowed" his handhelds for my use). I really appreciate your ruminations on time and the passage of time. I'll be keeping that close to my heart whenever I am discouraged that I failed to do a daily task. So glad I never had a Binder, though. Woof. My condolences.
Oh that is fascinating! Definitely a whole separate angle I never had to suffer through. In my experience, the nastiness of fundamentalism was far, far more restrictive for young women, though I would say that purity culture specifically was nasty for boys as well.
It makes me so happy to think of grown-up-you stealing your husbands handhelds. There is something wonderfully redemptive about that.
Have you found any games that the two of you can play together? My wife and I played "It Takes Two" but still haven't found anything that clicks over the long haul.
We have tried to play together, but I unfortunately get motion sick with certain types of games (shooters are straight out, for example) and we both are the "explore everything before proceeding to the main objective" types, which can lead to friction if we're in different areas. Honestly, I'm happy to watch him play most things (which is how I started playing to begin with, because I was tired of how long it took for him to get into Kingdoms of Amalur and I wanted to know how the story progressed). I do recommend puzzle games or adventure games to play with someone, even though only one person is at the controls, because it's easier to keep track of the clues and potential solutions. We played (but never finished) Fez that way and it was fun. We did finish Book of Unwritten Tales that way also. Most of the co-op we do nowadays is with our kids (and that has its own challenges!).
Welcome back to video games, gamer.
Haha! Thank you! It's nice to be here. I think I'll stay awhile ;)
My parents had stricter rules surrounding video games than my friends' parents (although not quite as strict as The Binder). They stemmed from a similar assumption that video games are a waste of time, which of course they can be. Video games are at their best when they let you connect to others, in my opinion. Looking back, I don't specifically remember the solitary hours grinding the same level for XP.
However, I can never forget the hours spent playing Halo: Reach split-screen with my brothers, laughing and arguing. Ironically, I think one of The Binder's oversights was counting time spent watching your sibling play. I fondly remember being a young kid and watching my older sister play Legend of Zelda on the Game Cube because I was too young to figure out the puzzles for myself.
These days, I tend not to play video games very often because I would rather use my time to read a book. However, every so often I remind myself of the connective magic of video games and I will load into Fortnite to play with my girlfriend and her sisters, and I always have a grand time.
For me, the "point" of video games, is people.
Split screen! Oh glorious split screen! The LAN parties, the laughter, absolutely the heart of the experience.
"The 'point' is people." I adore that. Something to remember.
This is wonderful piece.
A genuine thank you for saying so! Writing is such a solitary endeavor: your kind works gladden me' old achin' heart!
As a former evangelical kid, I feel some of this but feel like I was pretty lucky overall, until I got older, and my dad would throw the "put away childish things" verse in my face as if I should leave videogames behind.
But I digress. My dad actually bought us an Atari 2600, and somehow got a Commodore 64 from a coworker that he brought home one day. They also got us an NES at some point (probably for Xmas one year). But neither of my parents were gamers, nor did they understand the appeal. I've continued to play games my entire life. I'll be 51 later this year. I'm married with two kids (two boys, 16 and almost 13), who are both avid gamers too. We do struggle with screen time and how to manage it. I often have to realize that while I may feel out of touch in some areas, the reality is how kids communicate and hangout is simply different now. Yes I would love for my kids to go out more and socialize. But if they're playing Minecraft while Facetime-ing with cousins, or Helldivers 2 with friends from school and chatting over Discord, how is that any different from me going to a friends house when I was 12 and playing their Sega Genesis (I never had Sega consoles)?
My challenge now with a teenager who's driving and a (soon to be) new teen is figuring out what games are age appropriate (which my parents never had to deal with! LOL). I've tried to find a balance of what I think they can handle if they really want to try versus something that I think is just too mature for them. Same with TV and movies (like I've shown my oldest Fallout and The Last of Us, but not The Boys or Deadpool). With my oldest I generally will let him try if its something I've played (and talk to my wife about it of course), or if it's something his friends play as a group. While I've said "No" to GTA V, GTA VI is obviously on his radar, and he'll be 17 by then. And my youngest is wanting to play Elden Ring. But he's often disturbed by even mildly scary content. And while most of Elden Ring is fine, there are some pretty weird/strange/gruesome cutscenes (most of which he's seen when my oldest played it, and he's been left scared).
I'm so glad I didn't let my dad discourage me from playing games, and that my kids have picked up the hobby. It's truly a joy to introduce them to new games and talk with them about them. And they're sometimes well ahead of me in some games. My oldest has nearly platinumed Night Reign, and my youngest just beat Donkey Kong Bananza. So they clearly have no shortage of screen time. :)
Oh, I should add that my parents started to suddenly crack down on TV/movie stuff when I was around 13 and we started attending a non-denominational evangelical church (part of the Vineyard group of churches). The pastor at one point said Christians shouldn't watch R rated movies, so we were immediately cut off. We went from being allowed to go to Erols (remember them?) and run straight to the horror section (my parents didn't bat an eye) to being forbidden to see Terminator 2 when it came out (by then I was a sophomore/junior in HS). Those were dark times. LOL
Oh my God, I get this! My parents were also really, really big on screen time restrictions. I don't know how or when, but my Dad heard about this Australian dentist who banned all screen time for his kids, and how much he believed their brains would flourish for it, and he took it deeply to heart. This coupled with the conservative Christian axe to grind against any kind of violence in media meant that video games were always on thin ice. Never banned, but they tried a variety of different approaches over my childhood to find the sweet spot between quieting my and my brother's demands, and satisfying the inner voices that said if we were playing video games, or brains and possibly souls were in danger
Fascinating! I'd be curious to hear how the rules changed / what those rules were exactly.
I remember my dad testing out Age of Empires II to make sure it was age appropriate. I was so anxious about every aspect I thought he might find objectionable: the blood splatters, sure, but mostly I was worried he would find the "conversion" mechanic and the tiny priests suspect.
Part of the "Christian axe to grind" you mentioned seems to crossover with the Satanic Panic / D&D anxiety. Around 2018, I taught English at a very conservative christian school. A kid approached me with the idea of starting a D&D club. I took the request to the dean and he flat out told me that "D&D is dangerous because it involves creativity. And creativity is inherently dangerous."
That was all I needed to hear to know that he and I were on very, very different sides of an ideological divide.
Video games can also be creative. And they provide a communal bonding place that many of the parents in question do not understand. Fear of the unknown perhaps? Who can say...
I'm going to make a valiant attempt at keeping this short, but hoo boy... It started basic. X minutes of video games a day. Then to incentivise spending time outdoors, my brother and I were told that we had to spend an equal or greater amount of time outdoors first before games. After that, my dad moved to a new model (He was incapable of not tweaking the system.) where we could earn video game time by doing chores. That worked too well. The house was SPOTLESS and we were getting too much game time suddenly. So the awarded values were lowered to an level my dad found acceptable but we did not. What ultimately broke that system was my brother patiently banking up 36 hours total of game time that he then tried to use at once, which sent my parents into full fight-or-flight mode and prompted them to can the whole systemic, new one tbd. Shockingly it went back to X number of minutes per day, school and chores done first, etc. Then finally I was given sweet freedom and my parents decided I was close enough to adulthood now that I could manage my own time. Then my brother, who had no job but was deeply envious of my freedom, nagged my mom until she caved, to my dad's great displeasure.
The satanic panic played some part in this. My mom got the wind up about Sonic (my favorite games) because of the chaos emeralds, and Zelda because Epona had the name of a Celtic goddess. But it was a more mundane fear of me being "desensitized to violence" that really set the tone. They also read a book that detailed all the spiritual evils of pokemon, which lead to that series being banned as well. I'm grateful that they at least never made that bonkers association that it was the creativity that was the problem. That sounds like a level of insanity I'm glad I missed. (Also, I was absolutely playing violent games at friends' houses, although at least not to that same degree of intensity.)
Oh my God! Haha! I forgot about the Sonic chaos emeralds! I was one of the poor saps who missed out on Pokemon. Runescape was always "suspect" but it slipped by the censor for some reason.
Your dad changing the rules is very human. Now that you are older, how do you feel about it? Is there lingering frustration? Resentment? Is it mainly funny or still sad/frustrating?
Honestly, I mind the changing rules a lot less than the reasons why they were changed. The increasingly staunch insistence that time spent playing video games could not possibly be healthy, even though the most successful system saw chores getting done regularly and willingly. A subject that would get EXTREMELY contentious in my later childhood. It's still really frustrating when I spend time thinking about it. On the bright side, it's given me a lot of food for thought on how I want to handle screen time with my daughter when she's old enough to play games herself.
That was so beautifully written. My heart breaks for little George though, remembering my own childhood and the desire to play that I somehow self-moderated because my parents never put restrictions on how much my brother and I could game. Balance is so important.
Thank you for saying so Katya! I've learned that in adulthood all we can do is be thankful for what we received and try to find what we didn't elsewhere. Sometimes it comes from people like you saying things like "my heart breaks for little George." :)
And TOTALLY agree about the balance! Still struggling through that on my own and with my own children. So much of it is colored by what I see as "good" and "bad" tech. iPad's are < screens with physical controllers and things of the like. Sometimes it feels hopeless, but Patrick's blog has honestly been really helpful. Good to see none of us "have it figured out."
I feel the same—reading Crossplay helped me feel less worried about the time when my daughter is old enough for screens. I still have no idea how we're going to deal with it but it's so nice to hear the perspective of other parents who are also just trying their best!
Thank you for the lovely reminder about being grateful for what we received and finding what we didn't somewhere else. One day I hope my child(ren) will extend me the same grace.
This tagline is priceless. You had me at "even the devil would be envious". ;)
Haha! Thank you for saying so Mario, though if memory serves, I have to credit Patrick with that one :)