Grinding in Games: The Sweet Spot for Conversation with Kids

If heart-to-hearts with your kids are hard, try starting them while playing a video game together.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Deep conversations with kids can be hard.

When I pick up my oldest from school, I secretly wish that in that 20 minutes of one-on-one time, I’ll find a way to pass on some nugget of information that positively changes his life forever! The reality, however, is that’s highly unlikely.

He’s tired, and we often have to walk single file. There’s usually just silence. (I also wish that he would walk faster—sometimes not secretly at all. I think he trolls me by walking at less than regular speed, especially while crossing the street.)

Dinner time is a mix of sharing snippets of stories, random facts, and reminders of table manners. Car rides with all four family members often devolve into “Would You Rather?” questions.

Between the two boys, my youngest will tell me how he feels about everything without prompting. My oldest is a tougher nut to crack.

I, however, have found a semi sweet spot in game grinding together. This gets me one-on-one time with him where we’re not rushed or distracted. We have the space to talk freely–and not about chores or things we have to do. I ask about friends and school. Cool YouTube videos he’s watched. I work up to how he feels about big, stressful events.

How I feel as a mom sometimes.

I think this helps us understand each other better.

A few days ago, we were scrambling and getting ready to leave the house. It turned into a yelling match with the youngest. The oldest just quietly stuck around to help! I should tell him again that he did a great job of reading the room.

Here is my personal “game grinding recipe:”

Game Grinding (Deb’s definition) — Noun — /ɡeɪm/ /ˈɡraɪn.dɪŋ/

Playing a game, especially after finishing the story quest, in order to win extra achievements, gather resources, unlock bonus levels, etc.

Especially if you’re a completionist, game grinding with your kids allows you to focus on something enjoyable, not physically strenuous, and less meaningful. If you’ve already finished the story quest, it’s not a big deal when they collect a hidden token to complete your set. There’s plenty of time to focus on that story your kid is telling you while running around the level map, or playing with the machine that dispenses costumes.

Sure, you’ll care about the game but not to the point where you’ll say, “Shh, I want to watch this cinematic!” You don’t need their undivided attention, but you kind of have to give yours. And if you’re both bored, you’ll both nope out to go do other things.

The real caveat is that you have to find the right game. Here are some ideal conditions:

1. Couch co-op multiplayer for only two players: You want just you and that kid to play, not mix it up with the siblings. This is priceless alone time with you!

2. “Easy” gameplay: This is mixed advice, because on one hand, challenging gameplay means that nobody talks while focusing, but then you can talk during the downtime, like maneuvering around the map to find the next level.

3. Calm, relaxing gameplay: Calm is different from easy, and I mean this in the sense that you do things like power wash (with low volume!), clear ocean debris, collect plants, etc. Avoid fighting games because that raises heart rates and then we’re all thinking aggressive thoughts while out of breath from intense battles. You also don’t want boss fights that’ll cause rage quitting.

4. Something that doesn’t make you dizzy when watching: You’ll be taking a backseat to really listen, you’ll be “following” the action of your kid’s onscreen character.

5. Very family-friendly: I only say this because if you have to stop midway to explain something like characters doing stuff they shouldn’t, it derails your conversation.

The goal here is not to crack open the treasure chest of all your child’s innermost thoughts and dreams, but to create an environment that’s conducive to conversation. Turning on the tap to let the words flow. It’s also easier for some people (of all ages) to open up when they’re not forced to make eye contact.

And in the privacy of your own space, there’s nobody else listening in or interrupting.

I’ll admit that I last tried this whole game grinding thing with my oldest kid over getting him to score me a bunch of the hard-to-get bots of Astro Bot. I feel like we really connected; and it was a great prelude to spending the next five hours together at Science World and one of our favorite Vancouver restaurants. No deep conversation or hugs happen in public, but that’s okay.

It was a glorious day.