How Families Can Embrace the Special Connections Video Games Provide
Authors Dr. Rachel Kowert and Amanda Farough discuss their new book about how to talk about (and understand) video games.
When I started Crossplay, I wanted to explore the world of parenting and games. But the topic was new to me, and I didn’t know who I should start talking to about the subject. So I started with the most archaic approach: scouring Google results after typing in “kids” and “video games,” and seeing who came up. One of those people was Dr. Rachel Kowert, a research psychologist who’s focused on the impact of games.
I’ve quoted Dr. Kowert several times on Crossplay, including my debut feature on Roblox. But I’ve also meant to quote Amanda Farough, a former games writer who’s since gone largely behind-the-scenes. (I talked to her for that same feature, too!) Before leaving games media, Farough was also editor-in-chief at the family-focused website SuperParent. Kowert and Farough’s overlapping interests have led them to collaborate a number of times, including a new book series called Digital Playgrounds.
Their first book, Our Kids and Video Games, came out in 2022, and is pitched as “a starting point for parents, caretakers, and educators to better understand digital games and their role in our children’s lives in the 21st century.” They come highly recommended if you enjoy Crossplay, as they cover a lot of the same material and are, to no great shock, much smarter than me. (But I still think you should read Crossplay.)
Kowert and Farough’s second book, Learning & Connecting Through Games, follows a similar path, but with a different focus, this time on the notion of addiction, how to deal with loot boxes, and games’ relationship with violence. The books are easy reads, and help provide a language for talking about games. Even if you are already knowledgeable about the subject matter, it’s very enjoyable to nod along with them.
I’m hoping to check in with Kowert and Farough as they continue through their journey, and recently had an opportunity to ask a few questions about writing Learning & Connecting Through Games. At a few instances in the interview, which was conducted over email, they chose to answer the questions jointly. I’ve noted when it happens.
You can buy copies of both books, in digital and physical formats, here.
Walk me through the premise of your second book, Learning & Connecting Through Games. What are you trying to get across to people, and why was it so important that it deserved its own book?
Kowert & Farough: Games are incredibly powerful tools for positive change—yet, they continue to be characterized by many parents as a waste of time (at best), as well as a cause of obesity, addiction, and mental health challenges (at worst). We know that science paints a much more optimistic picture, of course. And, from our own experiences, games have always played such an important part in both of our lives—as individuals and within our families.
We wanted parents to be able to confidently embrace games within their own families and also share in all of the wonderful things it can bring to the family when they are utilized as a source of connection rather than source of conflict.
Do you have a favorite topic from the book? What section pulled you the most this time around?
Kowert: The discussions around video game violence for me are the ones I most like discussing because it is the primary question parents still (yes, still in 2023) have when it comes to the impact games may be having on their children.
It has to be that or the section at the beginning of the book about games as tools. I think that is a really important reframe to present to parents. That games are not trite or frivolous activities, they are tools for social connection and learning, for self-care and for personal growth. It doesn’t have to be a quote on quote learning game for it to be of value.
For example, think about The Witcher 3. From the outside, it may look like a high-fantasy, action game. You are slaying mythical creatures and riding your horse… a lot. But if you look a little closer you’ll realize that this game is also one that is teaching players resource management, moral decision making, honing hand eye coordination, and strategic decision making (looking at you Gwent).
Farough: I think that my favorite section of our second book is dedicated to games as social spaces. My youngest children have been embracing this digital “third place”—games as a playground—for a number of years, especially with their local friends. Social connections are instrumental to children finding their way in the world and the global pandemic definitely interrupted this growth for an entire subsection of a generation. By moving their playground online, by embracing social spaces that parents can help build and curate for safety and security, we can help mitigate this interruption by expanding their ability to connect.
I’m a deeply social creature and games have always been a huge part of how I connect with others, especially family. My father is a gamer, as are most of my children, so it’s ingrained in me (and each of them) that games are an important conduit for spending time together.
My son, who will be turning 13 next year, is also a budding esports player for Fall Guys so I loved that I got to write a little bit about this blossoming piece of his life for our esports section as well. I know that I struggled to understand why esports took off the way that they did, but now that I have a kid who plays in small competitive tournaments… It's cool to see how the space has evolved to incorporate niche, indie events like the ones he participates in from time to time.
One of the topics you touch on the book is loot boxes. I've been lucky to not deal with this problem in my house yet, but I use an important word: yet. How much of what you write in the book is informed by your own experiences, either as players who encounter loot boxes and their ilk or helping navigate your children through them?
Manda: This is definitely more my area of expertise. I covered loot boxes quite a bit when I was a journalist, so I have domain knowledge there. But more than that, I’ve seen the impact of them on my children before I realized that they were causing problems. One of my children became very attached to a mobile game that had loot box mechanics. And of course, I messed up as a parent. I let my child play the game without explaining loot boxes up front, which meant that said child got very attached to that particular mechanic.
It isn’t that there was a lot of money spent. In fact, it was a $5 amount here and there that was covered by their allowance. However, the in-game time began to tick up and up as said child moved further through a “battle pass” type system (where you unlock more rewards the more you play) to unlock MORE loot boxes. And… they began to sneak time on their device. It became very problematic very quickly. We intervened, had the conversation, and life resumed, but I definitely learned a lot from walking through that with my kiddo… namely how I didn’t want to handle it in the future (and how I’d want to help other parents handle it too).
Loot boxes have never been much of a draw for me personally, since “blind box” draws were never something I had much interest in. I prefer knowing what I’m going to get before I say yes to it. But my kids definitely aren’t me and they needed some firmer grips around them to say “No, we don’t engage with loot boxes because <insert myriad reasons here>.”
“We wanted parents to be able to confidently embrace games within their own families and also share in all of the wonderful things it can bring to the family when they are utilized as a source of connection rather than source of conflict.”
In the book, you talk about games as social spaces. But some social spaces are more welcoming than others. You can imagine I'm talking about places like Roblox here. What can folks do to figure out what is and isn't a quality social space in a game for their child to spend time in? What defines a "good" social space in a game?
Kowert: What defines a social space as “good” for one person is going to be different than “good” for another. I think age appropriateness is a consideration as well as what the particular player in question is looking for.
For me, my children are quite young. So I would be looking for a social space with significant parental controls, an easy to use interface for said controls, and a transparent reporting system. I want the ability to curate the social space my child is engaging in and be able to easily show them how they can navigate these spaces should something inappropriate happen.
Also, generally speaking a good social space for me is one that has strong and specific community guidelines that are consistently enforced. A community that is well-moderated, with trained, paid moderators and has been curated under the watchful eye of a skilled community manager. Community managers are the backbone of these communities and if you find yourself asking “What is a community manager?” ..then you may be in the wrong community.
Farough: As Rachel mentioned, my children are quite a bit older (spanning ages 11, 12, 15, and 19) so their online social spaces now involve people that they don’t directly know in person. There are deeply toxic spaces online that we—as game industry professionals—know to avoid (like Roblox, League of Legends, and even Overwatch), but our tolerance for these spaces is perhaps not the tolerance that our children might have.
In the early years for my kiddos, we had very strict rules around playing online, whether that was with the family or with local friends. We had consistent conversations with them about what appropriate language is (mostly on the receiving end), as well as what to do when they experienced inappropriate language or content online. Everything was tightly monitored.
Now that the kids are older, we’ve turned these discussions to what’s appropriate for their maturity level. My 11-year-old daughter is far more mature than most children her age, so what’s okay for her in social spaces isn’t necessarily right for anyone else her age; the same goes for my 12-year-old.
The best thing that parents and caregivers can do for the young gamers in your homes and families is to sit with them, talk to them, and help them understand the spaces that they’re looking to inhabit. Do your best to understand why they want to be in these social spaces (spoiler alert: their friends are there) and set boundaries for whether or not right now is the time for them to be in those spaces too.
As for what defines a good social space is that it needs to have excellent community and content moderation in all facets of gameplay, whether that’s in-game, in Discord, or even on social platforms like Twitter (RIP) and Reddit. Without those structures already functioning, it won’t be safe for children to engage even with rigorous parental monitoring. And honestly? It’s okay that there are game spaces that aren’t for kids, because adults need their “third place” spaces, too. Stay engaged, keep asking questions, and stay open.
If you work in these spaces, I think you can take for granted that video games can be a calming, educational, and worthwhile way to spend your time. It's not just a good way to waste time. But your books seem to suggest that we still have a long ways to go in convincing other parents and caretakers. Do you think that's the case?
Kowert & Farough: Sadly, yes. We have been doing research in this space for decades, and yet there remains a significant knowledge gap between the scientific understanding of these spaces and parents' understanding of these spaces. This book series is our attempt to normalize the struggle parents have in understanding the role of games in the 21st century and providing them with the information they need to make informed decisions for them and their family.
Have a story idea? Want to share a tip? Got a funny parenting story? Drop Patrick an email.
Also:
This feels like a good series to recommend to a nervous parent, who might not fully grasp video games, and wants to better understand what makes them tick.
My child will one day find their own online community, and it I hope it proves as valuable as mine were. Heck, my online communities helped give me a career.
If you’ve read any other books like this that you’ve enjoyed, recommend below!
I am so glad that thus far in my lifetime, I have seen the shift from Jack Thompson scare tactics to actual books safely discussing video games and parenting. Yeah, there's no denying that the concerns parents had twenty years ago still exist alongside phenomena like Fortnite, but authors like this remind me that the conversation can and should still be addressed in a productive way.