Kids, Routines, And Unexpected Delights
Ash "The Gamer Educator" Brandin on how to deal with surprising your child, only to find out it's not enough. It never is, and there's good reason for it.
Patrick’s Note: Chime in with topics you’d like Ash to cover in the future. And if you’d like to pitch on something to be published on Crossplay, I’m open to it. For now, back to Ash…
During my child’s first visit to an amusement park, they took a break from screaming in joy while we were on a roller coaster to shout at me “when we get home will it be time for video games!?” I could feel myself transforming into the stereotypical grumpy parent who wanted to say “you’re on a rollercoaster and you’re thinking about video games? Can’t you be grateful for what you’re doing right now?”
If you’re reading Crossplay, chances are you’re a parent or caregiver to kids, and chances are you’ve worked hard to give them some really memorable experiences. After paying the fees for travel and tickets to things, buying souvenirs, finding cool attractions to go to, it feels almost inevitable that at some point in the experience, your child will look at you and say “Can I watch TV/play the Switch/use the iPad?”
I’ve been there. We’ve all probably been there.
As caregivers, we work so hard to give our kids what we can, whether it’s consistent and safe home lives, predictable routines (including screen time!), or the occasional “yes day” or vacation. When our kids ask for things beyond what we’ve already given, it can feel like all that effort and care is invalidated. But chances are, our kids aren’t trying to invalidate those things.
So, why do they ask for these things?
There might be a few things at play here, but to begin with, fun and exciting days are also often unpredictable—and the unpredictability can be difficult for some kids. Personally, if my spouse and I get a chance for a date night, part of me is sad to miss out on watching TV or playing video games once my kiddo is in bed, because those are parts of my day I enjoy and look forward to. It is possible to enjoy something unusual or exciting while also missing routine parts of the day that we enjoy, and our kids are the same way.
When my child asks “will we still have show time before dinner today?” I try to interpret that as them asking “will I still have the parts of my day that I look forward to? Will today still have a routine?”
Kids also may be feeling overwhelmed, despite the day being fun and exciting. After a long day, I know I daydream about eating takeout on the couch and zoning out. From the adult perspective, we recognize that these days require a lot of work to set up and execute, and we may forget that these days are also taxing for our kids. Exciting days are often high-stakes, and we may be asking our kids to be listening attentively to instructions, be on their best behavior, or be ready to pivot and be flexible at a moment’s notice. Those are big taxing demands for kids; they may be wishing for a way to zone out and relax, and screens feel like the easiest way to access that kind of feeling.
Hard as it may be, it’s also important for us as adults to remember that we don’t provide big experiences for our kids simply because we think they will love it. We take kids on these experiences in hopes they’ll have a fond memory to look back on, knowing that kids live in the present and likely aren’t thinking about the memories we’re creating. I like to think of these moments as investments; the big experience might be an investment in their future self or the memories they’ll look back on, and the little experiences (like screen time) are the present things that they still look forward to.
I remember with fondness, for example, stopping at motels on our annual road trip to visit family. I loved walking to the vending machine and buying M&M’s (something I’d never be able to do at home), swimming in the motel pool, and watching TV in the hotel room. My parents certainly didn’t think of hotel pools or M&M’s as the reason to go on a trip; they wanted me to see my relatives. Sure, I loved that, too, but the things I remember with the most fondness were often the “unplanned” incidental moments, like vending machines or Mario Kart tournaments with cousins.
If you wish your kids wouldn’t demand TV or iPads in the middle of an exciting family outing, it may help to be proactive. People are creatures of habit, kids included, and simply letting our kids know a rough plan for the day can do wonders. Obviously we can’t give them a timed itinerary, but we can tell them the things we do and don’t know. Even a simple “hey, we’ll be sight-seeing all day,I don’t know exactly when we’ll get back, but it will be after dinner; and you can play the Switch then if you want” lets kids know what they can expect for the day.
That doesn’t mean we won’t have to remind them, or that they’ll love every moment of our meticulously planned vacation, but it does show kids that we understand what’s important to them and we are finding ways to be flexible, just like we are asking of them.
Ultimately, screen time and making memories aren’t mutually exclusive; chances are our kids are making memories and also grateful for the glimpses of normalcy and routine we can give them.
Ash’s Other Work on Crossplay:
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Excellent framing of the issue. Children are logical and have their own desires and expectations just like us.
This is really useful for me to think about. I realize my wife and I often try to keep details of a big plan under wraps—largely a lesson learned from the few times something in a plan went wrong and disappointed our kids! As they get older and can process those emotions more capably, having a rough plan could help them focus on where they are, AND for what comes afterward.