Becoming a Mom Broke My Relationship With Games. And Then I Fell in Love Again.

Motherhood’s early days are bewildering, and after making sure my family's needs were met, gaming was my first choice. But it didn’t play out the way I wanted. Not at first.

I’m open to running—and paying for!—more pitches at Crossplay, even from those without a byline. I’m more interested in life experience than work experience. Drop me an email. -pk

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I have one vivid memory from my newborn’s early days.

I’m at my desk, controller in hand, watering crops in an MMORPG called Palia. I’m crying big, desperate tears, because the game doesn’t interest me in the slightest.

At 11 months postpartum, I barely remember these days. Never thought I’d be that person, but I admit: it’s all a blur now. There are photos (tons!), journal entries, and even sparse social media posts. But these are like snapshots; they almost don’t feel real. One way for me to get transported back into the moment and feel how I truly felt? Think of the video games I’ve played between then and now.

I adore video games. As entertainment, an art form, a way to pass time, to forget, to learn something new. Video games were important to me before my baby was born, but, frankly, I expected to have to abandon them for a while once she arrived—who’d have time to lose oneself in gameplay for hours, to play uninterrupted, to focus on one game at a time for weeks? I figured I would have to kiss that goodbye the minute we got back from the hospital.

Imagine my surprise when I found myself two-ish weeks postpartum, in the middle of That Window where the baby has eaten and is now asleep and it’s not quite time yet to wake her, nor time to pump, or to go to sleep. You’ve got 15 minutes! Quick! What do you do?

I naturally did what I thought I wanted: showered quickly and sat down in front of my computer to fire up Palia, because that was all I was capable of managing. I had time to game but no brain power to start anything new and no desire or energy to try; I didn’t even want to quest or do new things in the games familiar to me.

So I went and watered my crops and stared at the screen and was bored and wanted to cry and feel the joy of immersion again. And boy, did it feel in the moment like I never would, ever again.

Motherhood’s early days are completely bewildering and, for first-time moms like me, are like nothing we’ve ever experienced before. It’s uncharted territory that you have to navigate with the skill you don’t yet have, with the mind and body that only know the old ways. It’s only logical to grasp at straws of normalcy anywhere you can find them. For me, after making sure my basic needs were met, gaming was the first choice, but it didn’t play out the way I wanted, not at first.

Those early postpartum days were incredibly challenging. My husband and I combo-fed our preemie on a schedule, we slept in shifts, we set alarms in the night, and days and nights blended. Hormonal waves made me cry uncontrollably for long periods, like that time with Palia. The pain of rigid schedules, the jagged and interrupted sleep, the relentlessness of parenting, the inability to switch off was compounded by the suffering of refusing to accept it all.

There was surprisingly plenty of time to game, though. The baby slept so much that my husband and I even played games with her asleep on us, which is all but impossible now that she’s 11 months old. Whenever I’d be able to play, I wanted to escape. I was loading games I knew well to feel like I felt before my life changed. Doing that, I felt listless and bored because they weren’t bringing me the sense of escape I wanted. I realize now it was because I didn’t just want to feel normal—I was waiting for my old life to come back.

Sure enough, it didn’t. I had to verbalize this grief before I could accept it together with all the wonders this new life did bring. Don’t ask me how I managed, because I truly don’t know, but once I accepted it all—the long nights, the challenging feeds, the 24/7 exhaustion of care, the monotony and the constant worry—and I tried in earnest to take it one day at a time without setting expectations, my suffering lessened.

With that, I was able to truly enjoy video games again.

What little “free” time I had, I carefully carved into 30-minute, 60-minute chunks to play Dave the Diver, Stardew Valley, Baldur’s Gate 3, The Witcher 3, Hades. That feeling of losing myself in a game and obsessing over it for a while? I found that again, too. I’d emerge from a gaming session and realize I'd forgotten that I had a family, a child, obligations, a life. The relief and rest it brought me was, still is, indescribable.

I have my child to thank for that, too, because she didn’t stay a newborn long. Parenting does feel a little easier now that she’s sleeping better and her schedule is more predictable, even if temporarily. I’m feeling more like myself, even though the road is long and I have longer to go still. Video games, my beloved pastime, are here for me.

I used to be a little embarrassed that it was my hobby like it wasn’t a serious thing. (A topic for another essay, for sure.) Now my head is so busy there’s simply no space in it to worry about such nonsense, so I just play.

Instead of an escape from parenting, gaming is my respite in its midst.

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