A Parent's Guide to ATO (Arcade Ticket Optimization)

Going to an arcade isn't about the games, it's about the the prize store at the end.

The feeling of a parent knowing this racing game produces no tickets, yet is trying to show earnest happiness for their child. Credit: Chuck E. Cheese

My family spent a few hours this past weekend at one of those arcade/restaurant joints that resemble a Dave and Busters but with a different and equally goofy name. “We’re cool, we promise!” They're places adults can drink, kids can play bright-colored games and cry when they lose in laser tag, and it doesn’t feel like you’re suffocating at a dirty Chuck E. Cheese. They’re fun! But every time, there’s a challenge in front of my wife and I: hey, how do we earn enough tickets so the kids can get something at the end?

Kids do not give a shit about the games. They don’t care about a high score in Galaga projected onto a wall-sized screen. Everything about attending one of these places is the ultimate endgame: the prize store. The place where you spend the real-life equivalent of $10 for a single candy bar. The place where children learn to grapple with and curse the tragedies of capitalism, inflation, and price gouging. The place where the invisible hand of parenting tries to make them feel like they earned this.

Each place works differently. And this, my friends, is where I defend Chuck E. Cheese.

[cracks knuckles]